Lately these are words that Joy has been using often. She will randomly just begin a sentence with "In China I liked salt, but not pepper." "In China I liked ice cream." "In China I played with my friends." "In China I ate rice for breakfast." "In China I had short hair." "In China I had princess bandaids." Some of her statements are probably true, some are probably not. But the fact that she is freely talking about China opens up the dialogue for her to express her thoughts and feelings concerning the place of her birth. I am able to use the opportunities to ask her questions and gather more insight into her memories. She also recently told me . . . "In China they shoot my eye." Now just to get it straight, she is probably remembering when she had eye surgery. She also told me . . . "In China they laugh at me." At first I thought well, she is a funny little thing and keeps us entertained all the time. As I probed her further, she said they laughed when she fell. Stab to my heart. As she opens up about her past pain, it breaks my heart. I wish I could just zap all of her pain away, yet I know that God turns pain into beauty. I am truly thankful that He chose me to be her mommy, to comfort her, love her, and encourage her. She has gone from not wanting to talk about China at all (perhaps it was too painful) to wanting to share her memories. Although she was only 3 years old, her memories (whether accurate or not) are hers.
It is actually amazing to me to be able to have the kind of conversations with Joy that I have. She has a depth to her that is incredible for her age. We were recently talking about when we first met in China. She told me that she was kind of scared of me at first because she didn't know me yet. For her to be able to express her feelings like that was so real, so vulnerable.
I know that the difficult questions are coming, and I honestly have no idea how I will share with her the things that are bound to bring her pain. Yet, God is the One who has written her story. His perfect plan for her life is unfolding. I know that He is sovereign, good, kind, and loving all the time. I pray that Joy will understand this truth and know it deep in her heart. I love this precious girl so much! And I know that her heavenly Father loves her even more!
